Free Speech

My heart hurts.

There’s no other way to describe it.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always watch the news.  Local news is enough for me, and a passing glance at national news is usually all I dedicate to it.  But after yesterday, when even our local news reported about the “church” protesting at funerals, I just saturated myself with the background of this case.  And I am disgusted.

Trying so very hard not to judge, yet finding it hard not to.  How can these people, presumably Christians, resort to signs saying “God hates Soldiers” “Going Straight to Hell” and all that other bunk?  I guess what sickened me the most is that it’s these people, these people so out-of-touch with who Christ is, that get all of the attention.  It’s people like this that cause others to think of us as hypocrites, that we’re all lunatics, and keeps others from investigating the claims of Christ for themselves.

This caused me to take a look at my own life.  What type of disciple have I been?  How have I been discipling others?  And as only God can, He showed me that just as loudly as they are protesting, is how quiet I am being.

06-08-23 — I am not sure when I started writing that ^^^; I’m also not sure why I stopped mid-blog and left it as a draft. Much has changed since then. Hillsboro still protests certain funerals, but they are not as loud as they once were. Other matters are now at the forefront of our country. What has remained? My silence. I am not as outspoken of my faith. I’ve often allowed circumstances to press themselves at the forefront of my thoughts.

We’ve had tons of changes since I last blogged. We’ve graduated 7 kiddos, adopted a 7th child to bring our total number of children to 9; we were estranged from two kids, one for 3 1/2 years, and another for 2 years. We reconciled, became grandparents to 3 girls and one boy, and 3 of our adult children now live in 3 different states.

I battled cancer almost 5 years ago. There was zero reason for surviving, other than the grace of God. When my oncologist retired, his parting words to me were, “you will always be my miracle patient.” I chronicled that time in my life mostly on Facebook, but I will touch up on my experience here.

God has continued to sustain me…He has continued to remain a loyal and steadfast presence, even when I don’t acknowledge Him. He continues to be my sole reason for being.

I hope to rekindle my love of writing and using this blog as my outlet. By the grace of God, I will point others to Him.

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Discernment

Discernment……………does not meant knowing right from wrong, but rather, right from almost right.

Have you ever heard something that sounded right, but it still tickled the back of your brain, making you wonder?  That is the birth of discernment.  What to do with it?

Go straight to the source…..almost right is the same as saying, WRONG!

Don’t be led astray by the almost rights of this world.

My two cents for the day.

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I Am Haman, Hear Me …. squeek

I’m doing a study on the book of Esther with the wonderful church I’ve started attending.  I’d read the book of Esther but had never dissected it as required in the bible study.  I think the most famous verse is found in 4:14, in which Mordecai uses the words “for such a time as this.”  Sadly, I had reduced the entire book to this one verse.

Doing the study, however, has required an in-depth look, and truth be told, I didn’t really like what I saw.  Beth Moore quoted “Surely as Christians we must recognize the spirit of Haman, not only in our world but within ourselves.”

Me?  Have the spirit of Haman?

The rage within Haman had to do with a deep-seated rivalry, which also housed personal prejudices.  And this is where the mirror into my heart shined bright.  Beth asks to name a few specific ways we can spot someone’s prejudices, and of course I was able to spout off some without really thinking about it:

• by the way a person gives a “look”
• disdain in their voice
• someone who is quick to high-light themselves, especially in comparison to others

It was easy for me to do this, because I know a person who does this continually.  And in naming those qualities, I realized just how I was judging her….putting myself above her because at least I didn’t do those things.

WHOOPS!

I felt pretty rotten when this hard nugget of truth inserted itself into my heart.  Childishly, I tried arguing —  “no, not me” — then I tried to rationalize it — “well, I only think like that when I’m thinking of her” — like a child caught with stolen contraband, I tried to get it away from me, all the while knowing it was a fruitless effort.

When I finally faced my own rottenness, I felt … dirty, unclean … The correction of the Lord certainly isn’t the most pleasant sensation!

And now…I’m still feeling that recrimination, still arguing with wanting to rationalize, deny, and point the finger away from me.  I know it’s going to take an even greater effort than just confessing my sin…repenting is what I need to do.  In being brutally honest with myself, I see a side that I didn’t even realize was there!  AND I DON’T LIKE IT!

I guess that’s the first step, huh?  Lord, help me get past it!

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Those Seven Perfect Words

My little guy asked me today what perfect meant, and of course, I couldn’t explain it to him.  He didn’t understand whatever definition I was trying to give him.  He didn’t (doesn’t) understand the concept that something can be “just right, nothing wrong” and wanted an example.   Being only 5 years old, he didn’t take too well the description of heaven, either….He knows his Father and his “favorite Brother” live there, but outside of that, nothing much was making an impression.  He scampered off after awhile but it set me to thinking.  What is perfect?

Yes, my Savior is perfect, and lived a perfect, sinless life while here on this earth.  We are used to hearing that all the time.  Unfortunately, before becoming a believer I had problems with His description, as I knew I just couldn’t relate, and never would be able to relate, to someone so “Perfect.”  Jesus was on the highest pedestal I’d ever imagined, and trying to be “like Christ” just seemed irrational!  Thankfully, I had good mentors when I became a follower and now I understand what it means to be “Christ-like.”

To be a Christian, I know, means to be Christ-like.  Not, be Christ.  I’ve seen so much more condemnation and judgement from those claiming to be Christians than I have from the unbelieving world.  And we want the unbelievers to join us?  But, I digress.

So, what does it mean to be perfect?  I don’t know, and this side of heaven I will probably never know.  But I do know the purest perfect words ever spoken aloud, and those words were “Not my will, but yours be done.”  Wouldn’t the meaning of our lives just be so much better if we learned to really pray those seven perfect words?

Many times I find myself praying for “the desires of my heart” and end up reducing my prayer to a simple list of what I perceive as needs.  How many times have I really prayed “not my will, but yours be done” — and meant it?

Following Him isn’t always easy, and at times we are led down paths that we would rather not travel.  But if we’ve trusted Him for our eternity, then surely He knows better than we do what we need.  Many of today’s sermons center around what is pleasing to us, without regard to following Him.  Many Ameri-centric churches today focus on “What can I get” rather than “what can I give.”  Is this truly praying ‘not my will, but yours be done’?  In no way am I advocating not having “prayer requests” and asking for the desires of our hearts; what set me to thinking was asking for things outside of God’s will for our lives, and then basing our happiness on that.

I pray today that I can lace every one of my decisions with following His will for my life, rather than what I want.  I am challenging myself to uttering those seven perfect words, regardless of the road that I am led down,  in every situation I find myself in.  I pray I keep true.

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Waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting……

The words are from a song on the movie Fireproof. I didn’t realize I’d memorized those words, as it’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie. The song kind of popped in my head, as I was trying desperately again to teach my 11 year-old adopted son to read.

This little guy has had a life no one should have to endure, yet he endured his most trying times before the age of 3. To date, he is the worst ever documented case of abuse discovered in Amarillo that did not result in death. I get tears in my eyes when I think of all he suffered. He was rescued at age 2 1/2, only to be abused in two subsequent foster homes. By the time he moved into our home at just before six years old, there was irrepairable damage done to his brain…or so we were told. His paperwork said he’d never mature passed the age of five, his communication skills probably age 3. He would be profoundly retarded for the rest of his life.

Before I go further, in no way am I trying to make our family look like heroes for taking him — there are many issues involved in all the reasons for the adoption, but in the end, it just seemed like the right thing to do. The last few years have been trying, but each day we’ve been able to handle it…God has given us the strength to make it thru each day…..stamina for the day, nothing to roll over, nothing to save, but strength for the day is all we need.

I also want to say that this child is probably the happiest child you will ever meet. He never greets you with less than a smile, his laugh is infectious, and even in his times of struggle he will smile ever-so sadly and just plod on. So….today as we were going over phonics, he looks at me and ever so sweetly tells me, “Mom, learning to read is worth the wait.” Are those the words of a five year-old? Can a 3 year-old really communicate so well?

How often do I really say something is worth the wait? How many times do I really mean it? How many things really are worth the wait?

Looking at him struggling to put words together, memorizing sight words, and “play” reading makes me realize just how profound his words were. He of all people, an 11 year-old MR child who was written off before he even turned 6, knows better than most people the sweet reward of diligence. He is anticipating, with joy might I add, just how wonderful it will be for him to read on his own.

May I finally learn to worship the Lord like my son views life. To face each day with joyful anticipation of what is to come…to worship while I’m waiting, whatever I may be waiting for…but to worship none-the-less.

Thank you my lovely son, for the gentle-tug you had on my heart today. Thank you Lord, for speaking thru him.

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Colossions 3:16

This morning my pc wouldn’t turn on….it wouldn’t boot. Can you imagine?? I did everything I could, called the manufacturer, called the place I bought it, and just about had a nervous breakdown. I proceeded to panic, knowing that a crash means I’ve lost everything. What about my kids’ pictures, their birthday parties, their silly moments…what about my son’s pictures from Peru? My documents, my saved emails, my devotions? In the midst of it, I nearly cried!

When I slowed down long enough to take a breath, I realized just how distressed I was. I asked the Lord for clarification, then conviction, and that’s when it happened. HE ANSWERED ME! I could hear Him! And, as it sometimes goes, I didn’t really like what I was hearing (at the time).

He made me realize just how much of an idol I had made my PC, without even knowing it. Worse, He asked me where my gratitude was, since my mood was just souring by the moment. What about everything He’s given me….all of the blessings that have been poured into our family?

Opening my bible, my eyes fell on Colossians 3:16, which says,

• “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.”

Where was my gratitude?

Shame. After I stubbornly let go of the mood, shame settled in. But, Praise God, He comforted me. He brought to mind Romans 8:1, and there is no condemnation on me because I was being an ingrate! He also took away the shame. Best of all, He brought to mind all of the other things I can be grateful for, and the list went on and on! So, even though we had to take our pc to the pc doctor, I have been in probably the best mood that I have been in such a long time!

How wonderful our Lord is, when we give Him the chance. Someday I’ll learn!

By the way…I’m on my son’s pc…how’s that for being an ingrate?!!

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Broken

Have you ever been broken?

During this time, when I should be rejoicing for my son and the excitement of his first missionary trip, there’s been a series of downfalls that would be discouraging even in the best of times.

He’s been gone now for one week (tomorrow), and the first 4 days I literally thought I would go insane. Never did I think I would miss him as much as I did (do). On top of that, we went through a series of “attacks” that left me breathless:

• my husband was injured at work
• a close friend turned away
• a very expensive repair was needed on my van
• my younger son had to be rushed to emergency

As a new thing happened daily, I was left with the sensation of “just one more thing added to the plate” — and, already weighed down by missing my son, I almost crumbled under the pressure.

But as I contemplated these things, I realized that although I felt these as very real attacks, these were opportunities to lean on the Lord…and being the stubborn person I am…I realized that I should have been doing so all along.

The brokenness left me as a wheel with an obvious tear. I’m now going along with an obvious limp, but slowing down has caused me to reflect more. I’m reading my bible more, praying more fervently, and seeing the Lord clearer. Would I have been doing these things had I not felt this intense pressure? I don’t think so. We serve a Good God, One who wants and does bless us mightily. He did not cause these things to happen, as they are just be part of life, but I believe He uses circumstances for our good.

So rather than focusing on the bad things that were happening, I made a conscious effort to focus on the blessings God has bestowed. This was difficult, but at my lowest point, between missing my son and having all these other issues arise, the Lord lifted me up, and my son called from the training center. I can always count on Him.

Although it’s uncomfortable, as growth often is, being broken serves a greater purpose. Because I’m leaning on the Lord, in my brokenness, I’ve now been made whole.

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Daily Christian Dying

I’m plagiarizing today…I copied this off of my son’s myspace blog…thought it would be a good post.

“Daily Christian living is daily Christian dying…what does it mean to give it all for God?

Die daily, to things that snare us, things that are not in line with Him, thoughts, words & actions; be aware daily that without Him, we are but a mere speck, a gnat on an elephant in a galaxy of Africa’s.

To die is gain, to get past me, to know we were made to glorify Him. It’s not enough to live it only on Sunday or Wednesday, we must live it DAILY.

To rescue the perishing, knowing that without Him, I am at the top of the list.

Do you want to live? Then today, choose to die.†”

Pretty strong words, huh?

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Here I Am

“Here I am Lord, have your way in me, use me for You, let all people see, that You are the Son, the Son of God.”

I’ve worshipped to that song so many times that I can recite it without trying. Today, however, I realized, as I was hurrying the kids up, irritated that one of them had wet the bed, again, that I haven’t really been living it. I’ve griped about the weather, been tempermental, gossipped…to name a few. I certainly have not “let my light shine so the world can see, let my light bring glory to Your name.”

But in the mist of my self-condemnation, I call to mind (or does He?), that, “now there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 is my mantra, when the enemy continues to stab me with guilt–that he would I, too–I recall the precious words Paul was inspired to pen.

Growth always comes with some discomfort; am I willing to grow despite pain? I pray it is so. I also need to daily surrender my life, rather than try to follow my own will and then try and squeeze God into that will.

So, Here I am Lord, have Your way in me. Gut my heart, clear the cobwebs, re-shelve the west wing. Without total remodeling, I can never hope to be what I sing so loudly in service.

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I am the wretch

I have a shirt that I bought at CBD.com that states “I am the wretch the song refers to.” It’s crazy how many times I’ve had people ask me “what does that mean?” and worse, “No you’re not!”. Truly, the 2nd one is worse.

First, what does it mean? (besides the obvious). I am a sinner, saved by grace. But, I won’t let Satan deceive me by not letting me take it further….I am also 100% worthy, wholly eligible, absolutely a co-heir with Christ…not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what He’s done for me.

I’m forgiven…need I say more? My son has a favorite saying…”daily Christian dying.” I didn’t understand it at first, but, like the guy he is, he reminded me that I must die to self, to everything that does not coincide with the Word. So now, I’m trying to live it…that is, to die it.

But when I hear “no, you’re not,” I cringe…simply because I know the truth. I know my past, and I am grateful my God is a forgiving God. Because of what Christ did for me on the cross, I also have eternal life…I have a place set aside for me when we join Him at the heavenly feast.

Christ died for me, the least I can do is live for Him.

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